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Sic Semper Tyrannis

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Why I should be the next token conservative columnist at the New York Times

As you may or may not have heard, Bill Kristol has left the New York Times in order to pursue new opportunities debating bubble-headed Hollywood celebrities. Or something like that.

This brings up an important question: will the NYT now proceed without an actual conservative writing for their op-ed page? Or will they replace Kristol with another conservative candidate? And if so, who will it be?

James Lileks? Mark Steyn? Jonah Goldberg?

How about Ann Althouse? I know, she’s not a card-carrying conservative, but she’s close enough most of the time.

My answers: no, no, no, and no. They’re too established. Too known. They won’t bring a special edge to the job that somebody like…

…well, like me.

Hey, just bringing on another old conservative hand – another known-quantity conservative – won’t spark the chat-room flare-ups like bringing in somebody nobody’s ever heard of before. Hiring me will mean controversy. Controversy means attention. Attention means readers.

In fact, I can personally guarantee at least three new subscriptions to the Times, should I begin writing for them. And remember: that’s a minimum.

Not to mention, I’ve got the big-fish-small-pond thing going right now. Or…well, maybe a medium-sized fish. A slightly-bigger-than-average fish?

Taking the small-ponder out of the puddle and dropping him into the ocean – that’s drama!

Am I as good a writer as my example established conservatives? Maybe not. Have I got the same experience? The background? Do I know what it's like putting my writing out in front of thousands - maybe millions - of readers?

Well, no. But all the better, I figure, because...

..., I was going to twist that into a positive, but now I can't remember how. Feh. Gives them a ready-made excuse if they have to fire me. And then they've given a staunch conservative a chance, and it just didn't work out. How's that?

So it’s settled: the Times should bring me on as their new token conservative columnist. Thank you for your support, and I'll remember you while I'm accepting my Pulitzer.