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Sic Semper Tyrannis

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

The Bears' New Offense

From The Onion:
BOURBONNAIS, IL—The Chicago Bears put on a display of inaccurate passing, sluggish route running, and careless ball-handling Wednesday as the team exhibited their new-look-like-s*** offense to fans and media attending training camp to view a full-squad practice. "We finally have the personnel to implement a game plan of high-percentage incomplete passes, completed passes of four yards or less, and a rushing attack that lets us lose control of the game clock with complex plays that take forever to develop and generate negative yardage," offensive coordinator Ron Turner said, explaining why the Bears abandoned the "West-Coast-My-Fat-A**" offense they ran last year. "I'm confident that both Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton possess the ability to overthrow a receiver on a deep fly pattern or find an open defender and deliver the ball with laser-like precision, so we'll be switching between them often and at random intervals to avoid either one getting into a rhythm or developing any confidence." According to Turner, the offense is starting to malfunction as a cohesive unit and has shown much more consistency at blowing assignments, missing blocks, and fumbling snaps.
Unfortunately with the Favre talks at an impasse and No. 4 likely headed to Tampa Bay by the end of the week for a draft choice and a player to be named later (according to one report, Bucs' backup QB Brian Griese), we've become the Bears.

Ted Thompson's California Pretty Boy is Rex Grossman (really, he's not any better than Rex Grossman), Griese will be, well, Griese, and Brian Brohm can be Kyle Orton.

Thanks for nothing, Ted.

Update: as we all know, Favre wound up in New York with the Jets. But we've still become Da Bears.

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