If I were a “Big Oil Executive”

Good morning. My name is William A. Danielson; I am the Chief Executive Officer for Atlas Oil and Natural Gas (the world’s largest energy supply company). Before I answer any of your particular questions, I would like to address any and all Republican members of both the House and the Senate. For the record, yesterday, twenty-five of your colleagues in the House, led by Charles Bass of New Hampshire, signed a letter asking GOP leaders to strike the Alaskan drilling provision from the $54 billion budget cut bill. These so-called Republican leaders then decided, indeed, to strike the provision from the bill and now it (the budget cut bill) will go forward without either the Alaskan drilling provision or the provision to remove restrictions on states to authorize oil and gas drilling off the Atlantic and Pacific coasts — regions currently under a government imposed drilling moratorium. The timing of my appearance here and that vote is, well, beyond stunning.

All of you, who are clearly now appearing as holier than thou, questioning our “profits,” have made your own bed and now you must sleep in it. How dare you question me or any of my colleagues about “profits,” a concept that seems to me to be completely and totally incomprehensible to your collectivist sensibilities. A result of the work of many individuals who have labored tirelessly under severe government imposed restrictions, regulations, and constraints for years. I come before you today at your request to supposedly answer questions about “excess profits,” at a time when news outlets all over God’s green earth are foretelling of higher prices in the coming cold months for natural gas and heating oil due to supply constraints. You dare to question us about the reactions of the free market that would, if allowed to operate freely, solve not only the supply matters but would, in the long run, avoid cataclysmic gyrations in the economies of the world. It is my opinion, with all due respect, that I am here as an executive not to answer questions that would provide any meaningful public policy changes but rather merely as fodder in your local elections. I will have nothing of it; I will not be the cover for your collective asses.

So, while I am here today at your request and at my pleasure, I would like to take this opportunity to make an important announcement to you and to all of the financial analysts in America and around the world. This group of men you see sitting here met last night and we have made a joint resolution, a gentlemen’s agreement if you will. In short, we are done. Our research and development of new sources of oil and natural gas are, from this point forward, going to cease. No more new wells will be drilled, no more research into deep extraction technology and remote sensing, no more research into alternative fuel technology, an immediate cessation of refinery expansions and upgrades, and no new hiring of labor – in fact, we plan on laying off thousands upon thousands of hard working Americans and foreigners all over the world. We will take that money that would have been spent on these activities, and we will pay, as long as it lasts, the heating and energy bills of those whom you consider “poor.” When the money runs out, you are on your own. We will have done our part; our hands will have been washed of all of this nonsense. In short, gentlemen and ladies, we are going on strike. I suggest you prepare for the reaction from the markets immediately, they will not be kind. My initial projection for the price of a gallon of gasoline under this new situation will be somewhere in the $8.75 per gallon range, but it will climb steadily. We project that our combined financial resources will last, at most, a year depending on the degree of subsidy that you decide is necessary for those “in need of assistance.” Given the nature of markets and how they will react, this projection, of course, is unreliable at best.

In our deliberations last night it became crystal clear that there must be a clear understanding of how damaging and evil government intervention into the free market can be. You are all responsible for our current decision, we see the future of your current discontent and there seems to us to be no reason to wait for the ultimate climax. We have, therefore decided to bring it on now rather than at some point in the future, a point certain to occur.

In short, you can take your redistributionist ideology and shove it up your ass. I am now happy to entertain any and all of your questions.

bildanielson @
OnTheBorderLine